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Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames
by Thich Nhat Hanh
Riverhead Books, 2002

Thich Nhat Hanh, Buddhist monk and peace advocate, writes with eloquent simplicity about spiritual practices we can develop to respond to the type of entrenched anger which is toxic to our relationships, our careers, and at a larger scale is contributing to global conflict. Nhat Hanh shows us how to transform anger; speaking to it, visualizing it in different forms, and training ourselves to listen with deep compassion to ourselves and others. This book offers the reader a practical explanation of the Buddhist practice of mindfulness; how it can be used to embrace anger allowing it to be our teacher. Included are guided meditations for looking deeply at and releasing anger.

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Anxiety & Phobia Workbook (Third Edition)
by Edmund J. Bourne
New Harbinger Publications, 2000

This extensive collection offers self-reflective questionnaires and step-by-step directions to various exercises and visualizations, helpful for individuals suffering from panic attacks, agoraphobia,
obsessive-compulsive behavior, and generalized or other anxiety disorders. Dr. Bourne was formerly the Director of the Anxiety Treatment Center in San Jose and he is sharing many of the practical homework activities that clients are commonly invited to complete as part of their treatment. While this is beneficial, working your way through it all can be daunting. I would recommend that anyone facing these difficulties find a psychotherapist they feel comfortable allying with to guide them in the
application of these and other new skills, leading to resilient life changes.

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Children: the Challenge
by Rudolph Dreikurs
Plume Books, 1964.

If you have ever 'taken away a privilege' such as computer time from your child, yet found to your frustration that the problem behavior continues, I recommend this book to you. This classic in parenting literature provides a useful reference to the distinction between punishment (which increases power struggles) and consequences (which helps our children learn from their mistakes and teaches them to become self-responsible). Principles of parenting that are covered in this book, with many useful examples, include encouragement, use of consequences, eliminating criticism, and winning cooperation.

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The Dance of Connection
by Harriet Lerner
Harper Collins, 2001

The author of Dance of Anger has done it again! How do you communicate with someone when you feel angry, scared or resentful? Lerner offers practical steps to communication without blame. The Dance of Connection will provide validation and support to partners to individuals dealing with addictions and/or boundary issues.

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The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment
by Eckhart Tolle
New World Library, Novato, 1999

This is a widely popular book that presents a spiritual interpretation of the Buddhist principle of mindfulness and presence. Its success may be attributable to some poor spiritual habits we have developed in the western world; we live our lives planning for our future, holding onto wounds of the past, or fostering addictive patterns which numb us in the present, losing our inner attunement to our spiritual centre. While I understand criticisms that Tolle's writing is repetitive, I believe that speaks as much to our impatience and difficulty with the very concept Tolle is presenting. As a stress management principle, I believe this teaching is essential, no matter what the source. Tolle presents simple, practical exercises to help develop this ability. (related: see reviews for I Don't Want to Talk About It, by Terrence Real and Anger: Cooling the Flames, by Thich Nhat Hahn)

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Getting the Love You Want: a Guide for Couples
by Harville Hendrix
Holt & Company, 2001

This is a remarkable guide for couples to help resolve conflict, complete with exercises. Getting the Love You Want can be insightful in recognizing the distinction between ‘romantic’ or 'unconscious' marriage, in which individuals attempt to get their unresolved childhood wounds healed by their partners (an impossible expectation), versus the ‘conscious’ marriage in which each person takes responsibility for the fulfillment of their own needs within the marriage. The exercises provided are practical and well-structured. This book can be studied as a self-help guide by couples who seek  direction through early conflict, or it can provide a valuable complement to couples counselling, particularly in cases of greater conflict.

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Growing Up Again: Parenting Ourselves, Parenting Our Children
by Connie Dawson  & Jean Illsley Clarke
Hazelden: Center City MN, 1998

Growing Up Again is a valuable book for parents who wish to change the pattern of parenting learned in their own childhood from their own parents. What is healthy? Exploring a continuum of both nurturance and structure, the authors help parents recognize how extremes - rigid criticism vs marshmellow abandonment, abuse vs overindulgence - teach children unhealthy lessons about the world as well as
themselves. This is a great resource for those who wish to explore how to balance nurture and structure in parenting their own children.

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Growing Up with Divorce: Helping your Child Avoid Immediate and Later Emotional Problems
by Neil Kalter
The Free Press, 1990.

The impact of separation upon children is not resolved once the divorce papers are signed. There are both short- and long-term challenges that children experience as they emotionally and intellectually develop. This book helps parents recognize adjustment issues that children experience at different ages with practical suggestions to help them cope better. A separate chapter is written to discuss the unique needs for each developmental period; toddler, pre-schooler, early elementary, later elementary school child, and adolescent. This can help the parent to better recognize the signs of distress and communicate with their child with greater effectiveness.

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Helping Children Cope with Divorce
by Edward Teyber
Lexington Books, 1992.

There is no question that children experience difficulties when their parents separate. Here is a book that provides hope that, by making good choices that account for their children's needs, parents can
help children successfully adjust to separation and divorce. This valuable reference includes clear and practical examples of how to talk with children about a pending separation, how to address a child's fear of abandonment, how to respond to their fantasies about their parents reuniting, and to address their feelings of responsibility. There are also important guidelines for parents to follow to manage
conflict between themselves and other behaviors which would be emotionally traumatic for children to experience or witness.

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How to Deal with your Acting Up Teenager: Practical Self-Help for Desperate Parents
by Robert T. Bayard and Jean Bayard
New York: M. Evans & Company, 1983.

This encouraging book helps parents reframe conflict as an opportunity for their adolescent children to become more responsible, with many helpful suggestions how to help make that possible. Two key principles are stressed. First, let our youth learn from the consequences of their decisions. Provided that these are not life-threatening or morally-threatening, these are the best ways our teens will learn.
Second, even when they are challenging our faith in them, never stop expressing encouragement. My suggestion is to read it cover to cover first, to recover your hope, then slowly again, chapter by chapter and try out the techniques suggested.

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I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression
by Terrence Real
Scribner, 1997

This compelling presentation of one therapist's views about male depression are insightful.  Real contends that depression among men in our culture is often masked, not only from others but also from themselves, which is problematic in treatment. Addictions (including workaholism), irritability, and controlling behavior such as sarcasm and anger are all identified as learned coping mechanisms that men use to avoid facing their ultimate fear, vulnerability. Such patterns of 'covert depression' are culturally reinforced and isolating to men. With considerable sensitivity, Real shares relevant case studies offering direction and hope to therapist and client alike.

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Is It You or Is It Me? Why Couples Play the Blame Game
by Scott Wetzler
Harper Collins, 1998

Scott Wetzler, like John Bradshaw previously, makes established family systems theory accessible to the public. Learn how your childhood family affects your expectations and, in turn, what you see in your partner. Moving forward, Is It You or Is It Me? invites the reader to reclaim these projections and define healthy boundaries within a relationship. Helpful reference: pp 69-71 'Rules for a Fair Fight'.

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Mind Over Mood: Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think
by Christine A. Padesky & Dennis Greenberger
Guildford Press, New York, 1995

This popular workbook is an essential stress management resource. It effectively guides the reader through the use of thought journalling, one of the principle techniques of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). The exercises are designed to identify the irrational thinking that lays at the root of chronic anger, depression, anxiety, and offers the opportunity to replace that thinking with realistic new
perspectives which can be both healthy and affirming. Mind Over Mood is an excellent companion to counseling when working with a psychotherapist who is trained in CBT.

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A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles"
by Marianne Williamson
HarperCollins, New York, 1992

This book rose to prominence in the 1990's as a great number of readers considered her interpretations of A Course in Miracles (ACIM). Though initially uncomfortable with its references to Christianity, Williamson found that the program did indeed provide a source of miracles to those who engaged in a daily practice following its principles. Williamson offers her own strategies and personal reflections.
Currently Williamson is offering her interpretation of lessons presented in ACIM on the Oprah & Friends. Those following that program may enjoy reading her original writing on the topic.

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The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
by John M. Gottman, Ph.D. and Nan Silver
Three Rivers Press, 1999

This is an encouraging read for any couple wishing to identify positive strategies to improve their intimacy. After describing "Four Horsemen" (Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling) which he warns couples resort to at their peril, Gottman offers seven valuable principles to use in their
stead. These lay the groundwork for many practical strategies offered to readers to put into practice together at home. The exercises are clear, easy-to-follow, and fun to review. Keep a pen-and-paper handy, commit an hour together every week to discuss another chapter and you will be greatly rewarded. I highly recommend this book to any couple wishing to improve a committed relationship in which they recognize bad habits are developing.

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The Verbally Abusive Relationship (2nd edition)
by Patricia Evans
Adams Media Corporation, 1996

Beginning with a valuable self-reflective questionnaire, Patricia Evans helps individuals recognize if they are in a verbally abusive relationship and, if so, what they can do to end the abuse. The author reference introduces readers to the many different types of verbal abuse, from anger, criticism, the cold-shoulder, control of social networks, undermining, minimizing and others. It also helps to explain how relationship based on this type of power and control can develop. This book is an excellent read for not only those who need validation that, yes, they are not crazy, as well as those who are ready to take responsibility for their behavior through an honest self-examination of their own behaviors and motives. Please note: counseling is strongly recommended when abuse exists within a relationship.

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When Anger Hurts: Quieting the Storm Within
by Matthew McKay, Peter D. Rogers, Judith McKay
New Harbinger Publications, 1989

This is an excellent step-by-step introduction to anger management. The authors debunk popular myths and provide an explanation of the physiology of anger. With straightforward explanations and simple, practical exercises, the reader can learn to turn around trigger thoughts, including some common distortions (e.g. the global thoughts "you always..."), reduce stress, identify and stop the escalation of anger, change self-talk, and use effective problem-solving communication. This is a good read for individuals considering the damage their anger is causing to their health and self-esteem, their relationships, or their career. It is also a valuable complement to cognitive-behavioral psychotherapy (CBT).

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Winning at Parenting …Without Beating your Kids
video by Barbara Coloroso
Kids are Worth It, 1989

Available at most public libraries, as well as through her own website www.kidsareworthit.com, this is an encouraging and informative video by one of North America’s leading parenting educators. In this extensive 125-minute tape of her original seminar, Barbara Coloroso provides parents of children of all ages basics to parenting with ‘backbone’ rather than as either ‘jellyfish’ or ‘rigid brick wall’ styles. For effective viewing, watch the entire video, then give yourself several subsequent nights of viewing each of the ten or fifteen minute segments to help process this cornucopia of parenting tips, including learning, chores, mealtimes, bedtime, fighting, and rebellion.

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